How to keep family and make her happy

Despite the fact that our family dramas are played out in billions of different variants, each of them taking place the same destructive processes that follow the same "scenario of collapse" to its logical conclusion - death, love, and final disposition of the spouses. Paradoxically, precisely this sameness and predictability gives us hope: if the disease is common, and treatment means it can be universal. And because many couples cope with this disease, so can cope and others - there is a will, backed by knowledge and diligence.

To help people experiencing family discord, have increasingly come to psychologists - not only in the West, but already we have. And this is understandable - after all, most people usually do not have anything against the services of a professional instructor, who teaches them to drive a car or skiing. But good relationships in the family - not less important and difficult art, so why not learn from him and from professionals?

In this case the best of these professionals are well aware that to solve family problems people need is not therapy as such, because marriage - is not a disease! In fact, people need to get on learning the art with each other. That's why it is so important is the role of courses and training on psychological education of couples (and those that have already experienced, and "promising").

The main thing to learn, and without which the wife can not get along - under any circumstances to remain in contact with each other, not attack each other and did not retire into himself. As you can see, it turns out that family therapy is directed against biology, programming us or respond to a counter-attack, or escape from the struggle. This fact illustrates both the difficulties of this path, and its ennobling sense.

Seeing another person

If the root is seen, the major cause of many family conflicts related to the fact that we are gradually cease to see in their half of the personality, we begin to treat it as a set of pleasant and useful functions for us. For example, a typical set of functions of her husband - to bring the salary, not to stay at work, make the trash, give gifts and flowers ... Equally typical functions of his wife - to feed dinner, housekeeping, always be gentle and ready to have sex ...

Long list of what a wife should not do: make a scene, to be discontented, to blame for a long time chatting on the phone, let play computer games, to be offended because of binge drinking with friends ... But her husband a lot of things are not supposed to: lying on the bed in street clothes, throwing scraps under the seat, include loud heavy metal, etc. .. When carrying out these "must-not" occur quite natural faults (each of us can get tired, unwell or just not be in the mood), we are angry and indignant.

Gradually, we cease to notice and appreciate the best features of our spouse (wife), because of which we, in fact, his (her) and love, perceiving them as a tribute. Instead, we focus our attention on the fact that we do not like that irritates us. Interestingly, even in happy and stable families, wives are more inclined to notice and remember the other negative traits. And here lies a serious danger of losing the vision of the whole, which is not so bad. Also, if you constantly think only of the negative traits, positive can simply erase from memory. But just as difficult periods of life does not override the happy and bad traits of our partner does not supersede good.

... Each other to admire "

Compare the two mindsets. First - when you are accustomed to think about what is missing your spouse and your relationship with him. It is obvious that these thoughts cause you annoyance, irritation, pain ... Second - when you habitually think about what your partner you like and admire what he drew you in your time and attracts now. These thoughts raise your mood and help cope with the unpleasant moments.

It is important to note that the admiration is the direct opposite of disrespect, the most dangerous of the "four horsemen of the apocalypse family." This strategy is a happy family life, number one: do not forget about the good that is associated with the spouse (wife), cultured in a positive thoughts about him (her).
It is possible to start a list of all the wonderful qualities of your spouse and think how your life would be poorer, paler and worse if she did not possess these traits. Then every time you find yourself on what you think about the wife critically, remember items from this list.

When it becomes a habit, you will surely find a dramatic change for the better in your relationship, especially if you do not keep your positive thoughts to yourself. After all, everyone loves when they praise and admire them, especially if it is done sincerely. And do not be discouraged if the first spouse (s) react to such statements with cynicism - it is not used to.

Understand yourself

Each of us has a set of unconscious expectations and assumptions about our relationship with the spouse (wife). They are formed gradually, and then what they will be very affected by a family in which we grew up. At the same time and there is often conceived our emotional problems. Not being able to solve them, we try to stuff them deeper. These expectations and concerns, however, tend to emerge in similar circumstances, and remain unconscious, may be very spoiled our lives - because people get upset when not receiving the desired, even if not very clear about what exactly they want.

One of the most common mistakes - not quite conscious to express their desires in a clear form, and secretly hope that the partner himself about them guess which almost never happens. When our frustration reaches a critical point, these desires are pushed over in an aggressive, attacking form that does not contribute to their satisfaction ...

American family psychologist Laurie Gordon had put these typical unconscious or conscious, but not the expectations expressed in the form of haiku: "If you really love me, then I must figure out what I need, and do it. Because you have not guessed, and not fulfilled, you obviously all the same. And if so, why should I care about what you think, feel, say, like, doing, etc. When will you tell me about their desires, I also will not show any interest in this ... "

Clearly, to break this vicious circle can be an honest self-examination and awareness of each of the spouses of their desires and needs related to marriage. Each of them must learn to express clearly and openly, but so as not to provoke a defensive reaction partner.

After all, one of the great paradoxes of human behavior - is that people can and want to change only when the feel that they are accepted as they are!

The art of proper dispute

The decisive factor of family well-being - the way you are arguing with each other. The main thing is, where are your arguments - to escalate the conflict or its resolution, or at least mitigate them. Right to argue hard, but it is quite possible. In the end all we can do more or less normal to discuss controversial issues with work colleagues or neighbors. It turns out that the problem is not lack of communication skills, and in an atmosphere of negativity, penetrated into the family, in which the slightest disagreement can turn into a global scandal.

As is known, is not always the direct route is the shortest. It turns out that family conflict is resolved much more successfully and productively, if the spouses are focusing not on the essence of the disputed issue, but on their emotions associated with it. The idea here is that in every conflict arises spontaneously try to break the usual cycle of negativity associated with any disagreement between the spouses, and not peddle a particular controversy. This can be achieved through such tactics.

Limit time of the dispute. First shall make no more than 15 consecutive minutes in any dispute with the condition to return to this discussion later if you fail to meet the deadline. Do not rely on an internal sense of time - in moments of emotional arousal, it brings us very - use a timer or clock.
Remain calm. It is a specific means of struggle with the emotional overflow - the greatest destroyer of family relations. Try to curb the first impulse of anger and do without direct criticism of the individual (if the criticism, then some specific behavior, and then - better to avoid this). Here, too, can not rely on feelings and should be based on objective physical indicators, especially the heart rate. Measure the pulse at the beginning of the conversation and check it every five minutes.

As soon as it will increase more than 10% (approximately 8-10 heartbeats per minute), take time out not less than 20 minutes. And do not pick a fight, not measuring the pulse and making sure that he came back to normal - people often think that is calm, while in reality they still pounding.

Agree that this sounds wildly, but as practice shows, the reception is working well, so it makes sense to at least try.

Remove the defense. Ability to listen and talk without taking up a defensive position, also reduces the risk of emotional overflow. Listen carefully to what you say and do not domyslivayte what you do not say. Try to understand the motives of the speaker - what he really concerned, worried, etc. Do not accept strong criticism addressed to you as run over and immediately plunge into a counterattack).

Correct response - consider this as a sign of urgency and seriousness of the problem for the spouse (wife). All this does not mean that you have to agree. Your task is to understand the feelings of a partner, take them as legitimate, even if you can not separate them.

Understands. Studying the family conflicts, psychologists came to the surprising conclusion that in most cases, the spouses need not exciting solution to their problem (they know that not all problems are solved), and its understanding. Therefore, there is nothing more important than the expression of empathy - empathy, the ability to see things from the perspective of another. Empathy - is the highest degree of understanding. To reach it, you can start small and go slowly. To begin to recognize their responsibility for the conflict (because of the relationships in the family always correspond to the two sides), to apologize, pay tribute to teammate ...

Follow rules of good taste. In the process of discussion should be as calmly as possible, briefly and clearly describe what is happening with your point of view. Complained better with the words "I", "me", "me" rather than "you ..." or even worse "you always ...". Express their thoughts clearly and be polite. Your speech should be positive

Do not forget to apply voshebnye words and phrases: "Please," "I think it would be nice," "I would be very pleased if you would."

Continuous training. After the first successfully carried out a dispute you may find that you have already mastered this art. Do not flatter yourself - everything else can go back to square one. Just as in any business, there are important practice and attention. We must learn the skills of communication and understanding to the extent that they do not even have evaporated during the discussion of the hottest and painful topics.
Assess your claim. Try to take a more critical not to partner, and to their claims. Maybe they are too high, or simply not feasible? Maybe you spoke to the desire to fit it under a certain standard, in which he simply can not squeeze? Maybe you could do a compromise solution? Distracted and be patient. Try to solve the problem yourself. If not, then boldly go into battle - but only in the light of all the preceding paragraphs.

Be friends

We have already talked about the importance of empathy in resolving family conflicts. Moreover, empathy - it is indeed important that we look for in marriage. We all need a partner who can always provide emotional support, a close friend, aide, twin soul ... Being good friends to be able to. To learn this art, such methods are suitable.

- Talk to each other nice things, give signs of attention - especially in small things, because of them is our life.

- Be aware of all the partner - again, to the smallest detail, which you must ask (she loves, she does not like that in real life has left a special mark that happened in childhood, etc.) and listen carefully.

- Enter a tradition every evening for half an hour telling each other about the events of the past day, problems at work, relatives, friends. This saves the couple from the "habitual neglect", converting them into random passengers. It is important to note that conflict with others should always take the side of their partner - even when it is clearly not right. If you do the opposite, it will cause resentment, because he was counting on your support. Later, in a calm atmosphere, you can return to this issue and gently point out the mistakes were noticed.

But the initial reaction should proceed from the principle of "we're at the same time, even if the whole world against us."

- Friendship is democratic - one of the spouses shall not apply to the usurpation of power. Families in which the husband (or wife) is too keen on the role of head of household, are much less stable than those in which both spouses are behaving tolerantly.

Spouses as architects of their family

The world is changing rapidly, and if before the role of men and women in the family of rigidly dictated by culture, in modern society there is nothing hard: not only the family but also other social roles are changing on the fly. So instead of looking for the solution along the lines of "like everyone else," based on "generally accepted" norms, customs, or opinions of relatives, spouses need to develop their own style of relationships and the way roles suitable for them both, especially with the calm and respectful conversation with each other.

No need to pack his family into the Procrustean bed of stereotypes. Thus, there are men who are not too good at the role of breadwinner. Instead of constantly nagging a husband to his wife makes more sense to do your own career, which would provide the family and, most importantly, do not worry about it and not be considered a loser husband and a rag. Perhaps he turns to get along well with children and the household - so why not give him the responsibility for these areas of family life?

Whatever the distribution of roles in each family, everyone will benefit from the invention and introduction of special family rituals. For example, assign from time to time meeting each other somewhere outside the home. Do not neglect to meet friends, participate in holiday events.

Special notes (even the most modest way) everything, even the small successes of each other (if the partner does not hasten to note your success, become the initiator of themselves). In short, become the architect of his own thoughts, feelings, relationships and, consequently, his family. In the end, it depends on you, what will your family life ...